It sounds like it should be simple. You marry the love of your life (you hope) who is accepting of you and all your faults (most of the time) as well as your best friend. (on most days). Marriage is not easy and even though I decided to revive this post in honor of my upcoming 20th anniversary in December, I find this topic still a big one to discuss. Marriage or relationships and natural hair is not always easy and needs to be delved into regularly.
When I met my husband I was wearing box braids down to my ass. I loved my braids and wore them from time to time back then. I wasn’t Natural yet. Since then, he’s seen me relaxed, with braids, weaves, wigs as well Natural. He’s never told me what style he likes me in the most and of course as soon as I change I always ask. He says he likes my hair anyway I have it but he’s a good husband. He knows what NOT to say! I can tell he does like my hair Natural because he’s always touching my hair. He’s never really done that before and that pretty much speaks volumes.
.My going Natural was made easier because of my hubby’s acceptance. I know not every woman can say that I’ve seen too many posts on blogs and questions in forums of women desperate for answers on how to deal with husbands or boyfriends not liking their going Natural. You can hear the pain in their words. They are dealing with SO who don’t like their hair short (after the BC) or the curly, coily, or kinky texture. They may also not want their women sporting a TWA even with the beautiful accessories such as ornate headbands or big hoop earrings they try to add to enhance their femininity.
It could be one simple issue or many on why a woman’s man rejects something so personal like her hair. I understand some women feel ‘it’s just hair’, but to a married woman or a woman in a relationship whose man speaks openly and often about his dislike of it…..you see why it’s much more than that.
A woman, a wife wants to be attractive to her husband or significant other (SO). Any woman who claims otherwise is either lying to herself or doesn’t want to stay married or in the relationship for long. The years together don’t dull the sexual senses nor do they make you forget what it feels like to be loved and attracted to. Married or long-term couples can share an intimacy quite exciting as well as passionate but the ignition quite frankly is being desired and desiring your spouse or boyfriend.
There are no magical remedies when dealing with a husband or boyfriend who doesn’t like your new Natural hair. There are only ways to make sense of why he feels this way or some things you could try to make the situation somewhat better.
Ask what they don’t like about natural hair
Ask what besides going back relaxed could help the situation. This may be hard when some of us don’t feel we have to bow down or cater to a man. I’m not buying into the Angry Black Woman syndrome or stereotype. I’m just saying we will take up for ourselves in a heartbeat but in this situation we may just need to listen to what he has to say. The two of you may find a common ground on what you decide to do. Communication is important in any relationship and marriage.
Try some natural hairstyles before totally committing
There are a massive amount of natural wigs, weaves and popular hairstyles like braids and twists to try out. It’s not the ideal situation when trying to learn your Natural hair but it’s a workable one and may be necessary to appease him a little and to allow them to get used to you wearing natural styles. Your SO just may begin to warm up to the idea. You could jazz up your look some also. If you’re primarily a low-maintenance type of woman you could dress a little sexier, doll up with some accessories or show him a little more attention. I don’t mean wait on a brother hand and foot or nothing. I’m just saying flirt with him more. Initiate sex if that’s something he wants and you don’t do it a whole lot. Hell, that could never hurt at any time during a marriage or relationship.
This should be on all of the points but it may be all that is needed anyway. I have a friend whose hair is literally FALLING OUT due to her constant flat ironing and blow drying. She tried to go Natural but her husband told her flat out he didn’t like it. Maybe telling him that the alternative is baldness may be what needs to be said to get him on board.
Tell them to be patient
Giving yourself a few months to try it out may give him the time to accept or even love what’s going on with your Natural curls, coils, or kinks. It also gives them time to get used to the whole idea as well. This is ultimately YOUR decision but if you really want them to accept your hair, then ask for some time and make them know this is something you want to do and they need to give you the time to figure all this out.
I am no expert on marriage! I am merely giving ideas that may or may not help in a very tricky situation. There are some really good partners out there that are worth too much to leave your marriage over your hair. The sorry-ass ones don’t count and you better NOT worry about what they think! I’m talking to the woman who wants to go Natural or has gone Natural and is dealing with a good SO who isn’t receptive to it.
Try one or all of the points I’ve listed or ask another Natural who may have already gone through what you’re going through in their marriage. Know this my sister… you are not alone and there are others who have found a way to have that happy man AND Natural hair. If it’s not time for you to take the plunge then don’t beat yourself up over it. When you’re ready, we’ll be here to help and support you.
Has your marriage suffered from going natural? Share below!