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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Are you still defining yourself AND your hair?

I am. 

I am finding out what I find beautiful along with what I want from my hair.  When I first went down this Natural journey the initial goal was to keep it from breaking off so I stopped perming.  Didn't do anything else to it that was actually considered good, but I did take that first step for a valid and non-fashionable reason.  I'm kind of proud of that.
I also didnt' necessarily find Natural hair beautiful.  I found it striking, bold, as well as proud.  Back then I wasn't loving what was growing out of my head, but that doesn't mean every relaxed woman feels the same.  I'm merely being honest about what I thought.  I was kind of envious of those women who didn't have to be chained to chemicals but other than that I really didn't think too much about it.  It was too weird of an idea for me to even consider.  I mean...who the hell was wearing their hair natural in the humid filled South?  Yea, it wasn't a real choice in my mind.

Times change and so do likes, dislikes, values, as well as priorities.  My life changed so drastically in September 2005 with Katrina so I guess I was just trying to gain some sort of normalcy when the whirlwind calmed down and we found ourselves in Colorado.  What the hell?  Yea, we were in Colorado and NOBODY could have told me we would be living outside of the South not to even mention living in the Wild West! 

Dry, cold, hot....Colorado has all of those temperatures or extremes but humidity didn't seem to be a factor.  What to do with my hair that has ALWAYS been in humid climates??????  That was when I changed what was my norm and became a 'Natural'.  Scared, uneducated and alone.  That's how I found myself as I embarked on one of the best decisions I've made for myself.  The thirty-five year old Sabrina could never had imagined I would be where I am today.

I am so comfortable with my hair now. I mean REALLY comfortable.  I want wildness and big and free and real hair.  I was not feeling that a couple of years ago so I know I wasn't even considering that five years ago.  When you look at my Tumblr site you see so many styles I am madly in love with.  I want the striking, the weird, the wild...I want the FREEDOM.  I   WANT   TO BE ME!  What is me?  It's whatever this mass of curls and coils are feeling for that day. 

I don't even notice if others are staring at my hair.  I did when I first started doing this.  I probably was watching them so much that they started staring at me to see what the hell was wrong with me.  I was insecure with myself.  I've gotten over that.   I know I've featured some women on this blog who say age wasn't a factor for them when going Natural but it was for me.  A rather big one.  I've always known the older I've gotten I would gravitate to a more natural way of living, loving and being.  Did I know I would be sporting Natural hair?  I can't say that.  I can only say that I knew the old Sabrina was going to walk away one day and a very different, a very peaceful and more centered Sabrina would emerge. 

I know I am still transforming.  I'm not finished figuring out what I want and what I find beautiful today will be too tamed or too wild for me in a couple of years.   Despite what I have become I know one thing will remain constant and real.  My Naturalness.  I ain't going back to chemicals and that's all I really need to know about what my future holds.   So yea, I'm still defining myself because at the tender age of forty I've got quite a few years on this earth and as I grow so will my tresses.  Grays will appear and wrinkles will soon follow but feeling the need to alter myself will never find root here anymore.  Where I came from helped shape where I am and where I will soon be.  I'm thankful for all those pitfalls and failures because they allowed me to really see who Sabrina was. 

Do you see yourself?  Do you know yourself?  Ain't nothing wrong with asking those questions.  If you're lucky and willing to actually look you just may be able to finally see.
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