Marriage (or relationships) and Natural hair

Marriage (or relationships) and Natural hair

It sounds like it should be simple.  You marry the love of your life (you hope) who is accepting of you and all your faults (most of the time) as well as your best friend. (on most days). 

I’ve been married over 12 years.  When I met my husband I was wearing box braids down to my ass.  I loved my braids and wore them from time to time back then.  I wasn’t Natural yet. 

Since then, he’s seen me relaxed, with braids, weaves, wigs as well Natural.  He’s never told me what style he likes me in the most and of course as soon as I change I always ask.  He says he likes my hair anyway I have it but he’s a good husband.  He knows what NOT to say!  I can tell he does like my hair Natural because he’s always touching my hair.  He’s never really done that before and that pretty much speaks volumes.

My going Natural was made easier because of my hubby’s acceptance.  I know not every woman can say that.  I’ve seen too many posts on blogs and questions in forums of women desperate for answers on how to deal with husbands or boyfriends not liking their going Natural.  You can hear the pain in their words.  They are dealing with significant others who don’t like their hair short (after the BC) or the curly, coily, or kinky texture.  They may also not want their women sporting a TWA even with the beautiful accessories such as ornate headbands or big hoop earrings they try to add to enhance their femininity.             

 It could be one simple issue or many on why a woman’s man rejects something so personal like her hair.  I understand some women feel ‘it’s just hair’, but to a married woman or a woman in a relationship whose man speaks openly and often about his dislike of it… see why it’s much more than that.

A woman, a wife wants to be attractive to her husband or boyfriend.  Any woman who claims otherwise is either lying to herself or doesn’t want to stay married or in the relationship for long.  The years together don’t dull the sexual senses nor do they make you forget what it feels like to be loved and attracted to.  Married or long-term couples can share an intimacy quite exciting as well as passionate but the ignition quite frankly is being desired and desiring your spouse or boyfriend.

There are no magical remedies when dealing with a husband or boyfriend who doesn’t like your new Natural hair.  There are only ways to make sense of why he feels this way or some things you could try to make the situation somewhat better.

1.   You could ask him what he doesn’t like about it.  Ask what besides going back relaxed could help the situation.  This may be hard when some of us don’t feel we have to bow down or cater to a man.  I’m not buying into the Angry Black Woman syndrome or stereotype.  I’m just saying we will take up for ourselves in a heartbeat  but in this situation we may just need to listen to what he has to say.  The two of you may find a common ground on what you decide to do.  Communication is important in any relationship. 

2.   You could just wear braids (micro, box), wigs or weaves until your hair grows a bit.  It’s not the ideal situation when trying to learn your Natural hair but it’s a workable one and may be necessary to appease him a little.

3.   You could jazz up your look some also.  If you’re primarily a low-maintenance type of woman you could dress a little sexier, doll up with some accessories or show him a little more attention.  I don’t mean wait on a brother hand and foot or nothing.  I’m just saying flirt with him more.  Iniate sex if that’s something he wants and you don’t do it a whole lot.  Hell, that could never hurt at any time during a marriage or relationship.

4.   Be honest.  This should be on all of the points but it may be all that is needed anyway.  I have a friend whose hair is literally FALLING OUT due to her constant flat ironing and blow drying.  She tried to go Natural but her husband told her flat out he didn’t like it.  Maybe telling him that the alternative is baldness may be what needs to be said to get him on board.

5.   Let him know you may just need time to figure out what to do with your hair and ask him to be patient.  Giving yourself a few months to try it out may give him the time to accept or even love what’s going on with your Natural curls, coils, or kinks. 

I am no expert!  I am merely giving ideas that may or may not help in a very tricky situation.  There are some really good men out there that are worth too much to leave over your hair.  The sorry-ass ones don’t count and you better NOT worry about what they think!  I’m talking to the woman who wants to go Natural or has gone Natural and is dealing with a good man who isn’t receptive to it.  Try one or all of the points I’ve listed or ask another Natural who may have already gone through what you’re going through.   Know this my sister… you are not alone and there are others who have found a way to have that happy man AND Natural hair.  If it’s not time for you to take the plunge then don’t beat yourself up over it.  When you’re ready, we’ll be here to help and support you.


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